It's been awhile I know. 2014's been a tough year emotionally. And I'm capable fully of being deeply emotional, yet seem perfectly held together. I don't have any theories why.
In fact it has come to my attention that as I walk through the annals of time from one year to another, I have less desire to speculate or theorise about things whose answers can never be found. Because we truly would never know. And the act of trying to figure things out is but an entertaining diversion for the mind to indulge in its need to feel important. And so I have less patience to indulge my mind anymore.
Especially after my grandmother passed away in May 2014, and my beloved uncle, 8 months later in January 2015. How does one put into words the depth of pain of forever losing someone you love? I tried. I can't. Words are useless and they do no justice. But my feelings and the thoughts that have arose from that experience for me have given me loudly and clearly, death's message.
1. We don't have time
Why do get lulled into the illusion that we do? If we live to 65 years old, we only have 569,400 hours. If you're past 30, you have less than that left. If that was converted into currency in Malaysia, you can just barely buy a property with that amount of money in KL. And there's no top up account. It's a countdown all the way. So why spend those diminishing hours doing what brings you no joy, or with people who make you feel bad about yourself? Don't. Be selfish. Life is too short. Don't squander it and regret at the end. My granny probably only forgave all those people she held grudges for in the last week of her life her on earth. It's painful beyond words to see. Let it go now. Forgive now. Tomorrow may never come. Don't wait.
2. We are nothing but that which we choose to give
Giving and the ability or capacity to give, is a divine honour. We don't exist except in the experience of others. And at the end of the road, when you're stripped naked and need to be bathed by people who love you because you're bedridden, you'll get this. All the love that she has given to each of us as she raised us over the decades, we had the honour of returning to her in the last month of her life. The experience of lovingly and gently caring for the caretaker in my life - I profoundly and deeply understood the meaning of love. And for that I will be eternally grateful. She gave love selflessly all her life and that is what she deserves unreservedly at the end. And I will continue her legacy.
3. Be gentle & kind with others, always
We have nothing but our moments, and whilst they are temporal and fleeting, they are the links that connect and form our entire existence from birth to death. Our memories are usually punctuated with the highs and the lows of these moments, whilst everything in between are sometimes overlooked and forgotten. But those are the ones that are critical in forming the experience of our lives. The gentle unassuming moments, flowing along with others and life harmoniously. Drama and pain is great for lessons and new starts, but the moments in between are the ones that set the tone for our existence. Let those be sweet and gentle. Let everyone that crosses your path be brought back to peace and full self acceptance. Let them be reminded of the love and beauty that they are in the midst of a crazy hectic world. And let them be inspired to also, be gentle with others.
4. If you love someone, let them know now
If I could have a drink again with my granny and uncle again or the chance to take them out to places that they would enjoy, I would pay anything to do so. Just so that they know, that they are important to me, that I love them, that I would want to kiss them all over their faces again and again, and that they each know that they are deeply loved and appreciated. Do it now, tomorrow may never come.
I have more to share, but will continue in another post. Till then, be alive - it's a privilege, not an entitlement.
