The Art Of Flirting

So, I was at a couple of singles party in the last few months, accompanying a girlfriend who's scouting the local scene for any potential hot, rich, intelligent, compassionate, humanitarian male bachelor - who will make a great husband and dad, with a fabulously understanding mom that's not big on scrutinizing all the shortcomings of her future daughter-in-law.

Result: He don't exist. At least maybe not in KL.

Ok maybe we haven't looked long & hard enough.

But seriously. That singles scene. I don't get it.

Hang on. Let me get some personal facts straight first.

#1: I am happily single
#2: I am not looking
#3: I am uninterested in the marriage & kids finale
#4: I don't buy into the biological clock story, and...
#5: I don't feel any moral/ filial obligation to provide grandkids (my parents have now pinned their hopes on my 3 younger siblings.)

I'm 32, going on 23. And most of my girlfriends are around the same age, except that most of them are only growing older in their minds. A majority of them are comfortably nestled at home, in between babies, hubbies, pets, domestication and careers (I salute); and the few that are not are generally in 2 camps - camp 1 is where i am (see above 5 points) and camp 2 is the ones where they are needing, yes, needing to get into the majority. And no, I am not being offensive. Just factual.

And although I would never understand them, as they probably would never understand me; I kinda get it...in a mental way, that desire to make a home with a mate. Before their eggs run out.

So. Back to the point of this post & story. Why am I writing this at all?

Well, because being at those singles' parties have been a bizarre experience for me. Why? Well, since I'm there as a companion, I refuse to turn into a competitor (to the other chicks), so the majority of my time there is spent watching the proceedings. And you know what I noticed? No one there seems to know how to actually flirt effectively.

Yup. I said it now. If I am shot dead tomorrow you'll know why.

People think that attraction and finding the love of your life is like an act of destiny, that fireworks will happen the moment you lay eyes on the *one*, and hence with a minimal amount of mutual conversational exchange, you just have to do the scene enough and one momentous day, at one fated moment, you will bump into the *one*, exchange some shy glances, fumble up with each other on the dance floor dancing to some slow number, meet the parents - get married and live happily ever after.

Sorry. That's only in the movies. And that formula of it being a numbers game, that's only for business.

When it comes to romance, attraction, chemistry and physical heat - it all starts in the mind. Literally.

And nothing is more attractive & sexy than a witty mind, wrapped in a well-turned out body - delivering comments with the same measure of poise and lighthearted jest; in passing conversations that you wish would last just a little bit longer.

You're at a singles party guys. Mingle, converse, connect, smile, laugh, flirt! And when I say flirt, I don't mean bat your eyelashes, dress like a tramp, or do a lap dance on the guy. And lads, I seriously don't mean dropping cheesy pick-up lines, being overly touchy, or telling the girls how amazingly capable you are, in all capacities.

I mean, be intelligent, be present, be attentive, be real, be fun, be YOU! Smile & shine baby! And do everyone a favor - don't curse, get drunk, smoke, shout, play incessantly with your iPhone/ BB, or get on the bar top.

Flirting is not some complex art that needs to be demystified. It's just an act of showing someone you like them more than friends in a fun way, and maybe might want to get to know them more. And masterful flirting is doing all that without looking like you're flirting at all.

It's just attractive because you're finding someone else attractive and showing him/ her in a genuine, natural way.

So, have conversations like you would just like any other, except that you do have to show that you're attracted to the person you are talking to. Listen, ask questions about them, look into their eyes, lean forward. Geddit? And if you want to see that person again, just ask for the digits.

Drop all the cheesy pick-up lines about the stars in her eyes, and the heavens missing an angel etc (I'll probably do another post later on the ones I've gotten) - and just ask for it. "Hey, i really like you, can I see you again?" Try it, it's not gonna kill you. I haven't seen anyone really doing that at all the singles' party I've been to.

So in a nutshell - be gracious and subtle, and if you really like someone you met - get to the point. How else are you going to move this thing forward if you want to eventually get married?

Or if all else fails, just engage a professional dating agency. Or Facebook. My sis met her fiancee there, and I haven't seen any couple happier. :)

But if you're gonna be doing the singles' party scene....please, read this post before you go. It might help.

Some final pointers on stuff I noticed that drove me nuts: Ladies - shave your legs and underarms, and wear the g-string, not the granma panties. Guys - match your socks, clean your nails, don't do a deodorant overkill or fiddle with your crotch.

How do I know all this? I read a lot. Meow. ;)

The Poetry Series - Exhibit #1

I moved again to another place. A new home, and it's beautiful. A perfect fit for my spirit. Will post some pix up for you guys once its ready.

While moving, I again found some old scribblings - a bunch of poetry I wrote when I was younger. Reading them now made me realized that I have come a bit of a way, experiencing much darkness and pain in those years. Poetry helped me deal with those emotions - as a channel for release.

Now I can recognize that those experiences were all self-inflicted, but it was a part of me and I can't deny who I was; for without being there, I would not now be here in a much happier and enlightened space.

The darkness only made me appreciate the light I live in these days. So I've decided to log them all down in my blog as a series of poems under one title (Encapsulation of Pain); for posterity and a reminder that; to be a woman, one must first be a girl - to understand love, one must first embrace pain. And that it is ok. :)

I hope you'll enjoy them as I post them out.

To you, to life, and to love!

Encapsulation of Pain Series:
Poem #1: Journey Across The Desert of Love.

The plains of a barren soul,
mock me,
every step of the way,
the sun beats,
its scorching rays.
The heart sways,
the body bleeds.

Swirling waters,
offer no reprieve,
instead it pulls,
the mind deep;
where chaos reign,
and blood stains,
a white sheet,
once clean.

Golden shades,
and jovial play,
is now but a memory;
of happier days.

- Jamie Loh, 14 October 2004.

The Poetry Series - Exhibit #3

Encapsulation of Pain Series:
Poem #3: Sinking

Whither I wonder
Joy has flown?
Dragged me asunder
With sighs and moans.

- Jamie Loh, 16 December 2005

The Poetry Series - Exhibit #2

Encapsulation of Pain Series:
Poem #2: Despair

I have given up
The many beaten path
To risk my heart
And challenge destiny's chart
Seeking for love
While wading through pain
On days like these
I wish
for more familiar plains.

- Jamie Loh, 12 February 2005

Book 1, Page 115

One of my favorite paragraphs from Conversations With God, Book 1 by Neale Donald Walsch:

"Seek not to make of your love a glue that binds, but rather, a magnet that first attracts, then turns and repels, lest those who are attracted begin to believe they must stick to you to survive. Nothing could be further away from the truth. Nothing could be more damaging to another. Let your love propel your beloveds into the world - and into the full experience of who they are. In this, will you have truly loved."

So, how do you love?

Truly loving is about empowering the one you love - not to be forever in love with you, but to fall in love with who they really are.

That's what we're really here for - to cause another to see the beauty of their existence, mirrored back to them, in our eyes.

And then, projected back to the world as a gift, by leaving many indentations in the universe; each stating that - yes, because they existed, lived, & loved - the world was made more beautiful.

And that is the truth. The world is more beautiful because you are here. Now be here, and be love.

Namaste.

xoxo
Jamie

PS: And yes, if you're ready to challenge some personal beliefs about all manner of topics; pick up all 3 Conversation With God books by the above author. I do advocate them. You can get them here: http://amzn.to/uqXhDv

Transforming Regrets - for my brother.

I rarely ever regret anything. But my biggest regret is that my chain smoking and alcohol-abuse in the past set an example for my baby brother to follow. I’m writing this for him before it’s too late.

He’s 6 years younger than me, very good looking, intelligent and sharp. He dropped by my place this morning to pick up some stuff so we got to chatting. He was telling me that he was waking up everyday with lots of phlegm and facing breathing problems because of smoking. He’s only 26 with the whole world in front of him. He tried quitting but kept going back to it after a couple of days.

He asked me how I did it 3 years ago.

Well, I decided that I was worth it. And I got information, made a plan, prepared for it and then just followed through. I quit on 1st March 2009. Before that I must have tried quitting over 7 times.

People tell me that I am so disciplined and that my willpower is so strong. I believe that is true for everyone if they dig deep enough to discover why they are doing what they are doing. Smokers are disciplined about smoking every couple of hours right? So it’s just a mindset. Just get disciplined about another discipline and then you’ll find that it really ain’t that hard.

Because being disciplined is just choosing consistently the same activity to back up a commitment. The real reason for my stickability to achieve my quit smoking goal is that I was sick of being sick. And sick of being a slave to a toxic substance. And I was a slave – 2 packs a day for the better part of 11 years.

My new commitment to myself was to be well. That replaced the old commitment I held about being a smoker.

I was also unemotional about it. I looked at my body like it was a machine – and did what i needed to do to hard reset it to a much better working condition. If you’re a heavy smoker or been addicted to any substances before you’ll understand what withdrawal symptoms really are – and if you don’t get a hold over your emotions and find some mental anchor to hold on to when your body is racking hell when you quit – it’s going to be so much tougher to get through it.

Non-abusers can never really understand. So yes, I get it. You feel like dying. But that’s better than actually getting to the point that you have to die because of your addiction. And die painfully too.

Think of your body as a machine and maybe it would make as much sense to you as it did for me. You can program and reprogram it. And that’s what quitting a toxic substance is about. It’s a reprogramming of your system. And the process to reprogram it will mean a lot of changes and clearing – there’s no other way.

So here’s what actually happens when you take nicotine into your system. Besides the tens of thousands of toxins that is deposited into your system with every drag – what it actually does is it incapacitates your brain’s ability to produce a naturally-occurring chemical substance in your brain called “Dopamine”. Dopamine is released by our brains naturally to help calm us down when we are stressed, help us focus and generally just relax us.

So your body is smart. When you took your first cigarette it reacted violently to this unnatural and very toxic substance – and when you continued taking it, it adapted to it, and finally, it found a way to make use of it.

The nicotine is a trigger for the production of more dopamine, so your body decided to stop its own production efforts, channeling it instead now to other more pressing needs in other parts of your body (like detoxing now obviously), and just trigger a notice to you in the form of a craving every 30 minutes or so when the dopamine levels in your brain goes lower. And the cravings gets more and more urgent the longer you do not respond to it.

Trust me, I know the feeling. I walked out for about 20 minutes by myself at 3am before years ago when I had a cigarette and no way of lighting it – looking for a lighter. I was almost at the state of panic. That’s actually your brain’s defense mechanism to “protect” you based on the programming you’ve installed in it up to date. Which is nicotine dependent for the nicotine addict.

So in short, the point is to get your brain to start producing its own dopamine again. And to do that, a hard reset is required. That means give it no more nicotine – and your brain will eventually restart its own production of dopamine again.

Here’s some tips that helped me:

1. Total cold turkey from nicotine.
That philosophy worked best for me. That means no nicotine replacement products like gums, patches etc. This forced my brains to get back to work producing its own dopamine faster. A bit more drastic but hey I’d rather get it done faster than slower.

2. Understanding & mentally preparing for the withdrawal symptoms.
The first 3 days will be your worst withdrawal symptoms ever, and the next 7 days your body will go through some massive cleansing so you really won’t feel very well. Healing crisis also starts to happen, means you will smell as your body excrete nicotine from your blood stream, dizziness, migraines, fatigue, etc. But this is normal and necessary – I didn’t know that before so I always caved in around day 4-5 of the quit.

3. Conquering cravings
Another important tip: the craving will be at its most urgent for the first 3 minutes, and then it will subside. It will also be more frequent in the first 3-10 days, and then it really gets less and less, till you don’t get any cravings anymore. That’s just the way your body tries to get you to consume nicotine. Deal with it by drinking water, sucking on gels, etc. Do whatever as long as you don’t inhale nicotine. My mantra that whole time while I was quitting was “I won’t put nicotine into my bloodstream.” It wasn’t even about having a cigarette. That made a lot more sense to me & was a stronger commitment to uphold.

4. Rest
If you can, take 5-7 days off and stay home to rest, sleep, detox and drink lots of water. This was critical to me as my body was being readjusted. It really gets a lot harder if you have to try and operate normally when you are quitting.

5. Prepare
You can never win a war if you don’t plan and prepare for it. My style is to get mental anchors to hold on to – if i can understand something, I can commit to it. So my striving has always been to learn and understand more on the whys and the whats – this website truly helped me get through the whole quitting period, what i’ve written here is my understanding of the facts on this site: www.whyquit.com - please, check it out. You might find other more relevant pieces of info to help you better.

6. Incremental Progress
Say no – one cigarette at a time. Understand that there will always be people who smoke around you – so there’s no way you can avoid the urges and offers. Don’t avoid it. Face it and master it. It’s much simpler to take it one decision at a time.

One of the best decisions I ever made was to quit smoking. I don’t have to stress on how much I have benefited health-wise. That’s pretty common knowledge.

The real gift was the self-empowerment I achieved for myself by mastering an addiction, and the new-found respect I developed for my body as a miraculous machine, able to heal and regenerate itself without limit.

The absolute knowing that there will always exist in my decision the possibility to transform, grow, heal, and be better – no matter how bad any situation is.

Because with that knowledge comes real joy and real power. That’s what I want for my brother to experience.

And that’s what I want for anyone struggling with addictions of any sort - whether of the body, mind, or spirit.

It is within all our reach – just make the same decision every single time.

Jamie
XOXO

PS: Reminder - please visit & pass on this site: www.WhyQuit.com. Thanks & be blessed!

Dry your eyes...

Why doth you cry,
For a heart that would not trust,
For promises to only try;
Or a love that never was?

~ Jamie Loh